Over the last few months, I’ve been exploring – and really enjoying – writing parody songs. Although I can’t write music, I absolutely LOVE writing comedy lyrics.
I relish all the parameters and discipline required to write a good comic song. Not only do all the jokes in them have to be funny, surprising and well-timed, the song should also tell a story, its lines should rhyme, and all its lines should SCAN… down to the very last syllable. All of which are exciting and challenging disciplines for any comedy writer to take on. So far, I’ve been writing parody songs in the style of various well-known recording artists, and you can see eight examples of these below.
What I’m moving onto now is writing comedy songs for Musical Theatre. Of course, musical theatre songs present their own very specific set of challenges, and I’m loving exploring all the conventions, the parameters and the discipline required to write a good comedy song for a stage musical. I’ll be posting the results of my efforts here, when I think they’re good enough…
… All of which is a very long-winded way of saying that I’m now available as a comedy lyricist for hire! If you’re a songwriter looking for a lyricist to collaborate with on a clever, funny, comedy song… I’m your man. You’ll see from the examples below that I have a good grasp of how to ensure a song’s story has a beginning, middle, and end… and a few lyrical, comic surprises along the way!
Just scroll down to see (and hear) my most recent efforts as a comedy lyricist. I hope you enjoy them.
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How Do You Write A Song? (in the style of Morrissey)
VERSE 1
Another grey English Sunday – could anything be finer?
Filthy streets full of skinheads, punks and striking miners.
And the woeful winter weather only feeds my anxiety;
Skies dumping hail and drizzle… and some rain, just for variety.
And I greet this tawdry tableau with a lonely, bitter laugh.
Feeling so disheartened as I stare at my Doc Martens
Because I’m sad and I’m too sensitive, too sensitive by half…
VERSE 2
But lately I have noticed things are starting to change,
and I’m feeling disconcerted, because those changes are strange.
I’ve fallen deeply in love, and I am loved in return!
And I’ve also won the lotto, so I’ve got money to burn!
And I’m listening to birdsong and I’m smelling all the flowers,
But I’m worried all this Happiness has wrecked my writing powers,
Because…
CHORUS 1
How do you write a song about feeling good?
I’m frightened to try, because I don’t think I could.
Where’s the Sorrow, the Despair?
Oh where, oh where, oh where?
When it comes to this subject, how can I write the verses
when my life is full of blessings, not the usual curses?
I just can’t write a song about feeling good.
VERSE 3
Could I ever have predicted this? No, not on your Nelly.
My skin’s cleared up, I’ve lost weight, I’m enjoying what’s on telly.
I’m sleeping well, I’m energised, I’ve given up caffeine,
I even got a nice review in Smash Hits magazine.
It’s enough to take my mind off living in Thatcher’s Britain.
Did I mention that I also bought a kitten?
… his name is “Tiddles”.
And…
CHORUS 2
How do you write a song about feeling good?
I’m frightened to try, because I don’t think I could.
Where’s the Sorrow, the Despair?
Oh where, oh where, oh where?
When it comes to this subject, how can I write a chorus
without galloping towards Roget’s Thesaurus?
Oh, I just can’t write a song about feeling good.
BRIDGE
All these unfamiliar feelings
have truly left me reeling.
I’m a hundred miles from my Comfort Zone,
because to moan and to groan,
you see, that’s all I’ve ever known.
And now that I am happy, my Depression is full-blown…
(PAUSE)
… But that gives me an idea!
VERSE 4
(JOYOUSLY) ‘Cause I just realised that now I’m sad again!
My emotional state has gone from good to bad again!
Which means I’m back in business –
I can write about my distress!
I’ve got to get to work right away,
because I’m sad that I am happy
which makes everything okay!
Hooray!
Hip hip hooray.
For a rough idea how this might sound if it was set to music – and sung – in the style of Morrissey, please click on the PLAY button below (although the voice sounds nothing like him)…
(Please note: this audio file has been generated for temporary, illustrative purposes only.)
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THE ONLY ONE FOR ME (in the style of Buddy Holly)
VERSE 1
There’s a whole lot of girls I know around town.
They’re a-giving me the eye, but it’s a-gettin’ me down.
It’s a-making me sad, it’s a-givin’ me the blues –
You see, I just don’t know which one to choose.
VERSE 2
Maggie-Lee and Ruby-Grace have pretty rosy cheeks.
April-May’s a lot of fun, but only for eight weeks!
Lily-Rose and Amber-June are real hot stuff,
But somehow, none of them are quite enough.
BRIDGE
I guess I gotta choose one but I don’t know who, a-hoo, hoo!
Oh what, oh what, just what am I gonna do, a-hoo, hoo??
VERSE 3
Then Saturday night at the Sock Hop Ball
A brand new girl sashayed into the hall.
She walked up to me, and my heart was aflame
the moment she told me her name!
CHORUS 1
It was Elly-May-Billie-Jean-Emily-Mary-Lou-
Sarah-Jane-Lily-Anne-Barbara-Peggy-Sue!
All my life, I have a-waited
For a girl with a name this hyphenated!
BRIDGE
I could never make up my mind
Love was always so hard to find.
Then she walked in and made me see
She’s the only one for me!
CHORUS 2
Her name is Elly-May-Billie-Jean-Emily-Mary-Lou-
Sarah-Jane-Lily-Anne-Barbara-Peggy-Sue!
We’ll always be together ’cause we’re so well suited…
And I love how her name’s so convoluted!
BRIDGE
I could never make up my mind
Love was always so hard to find.
Then she walked in and made me see
She’s the only one for me!
CHORUS 3
Her name is Elly-May-Billie-Jean-Emily-Mary-Lou-
Sarah-Jane-Lily-Anne-Barbara-Peggy-Sue!
She’s a livin’ doll, she’s my precious little flower,
But when she signs her name, it takes her half an hour!
For a rough idea how this might sound if it was set to music – and sung – in the style of Buddy Holly, please click on the PLAY button below.
(FUN FACT: I provided the voice for this one!)
(Please note: this audio file has been generated for temporary, illustrative purposes only.)
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Every Time I Smile (in the style of ROY ORBISON)
VERSE 1
When I woke up this morning, I was feeling okay…
For a moment or two, thought I could get through the day.
But any chance of feeling chipper
disappeared when I couldn’t find my slippers,
And my tears began to flow.
Then I got in the shower
and I cried for an hour…
Even just getting dressed starts me feelin’ depressed
and a downpour of tears splashes over my chest.
I tried to make breakfast, but my efforts got ruined
‘Cause I can’t concentrate when I’m boo-hoo-hooin’
CHORUS 1
Because every time I smile, I cry.
I think it’s just my style to cry.
I cry when I’m talking, I cry when I’m walking
I cry if I laugh, or I sneeze, or I cough –
it seems almost anything can set me off!
The littlest thing makes me burst into tears:
I’m lamenting, I’m bawling – you get the idea.
Ev’rything makes me cry, but then that’s nothing new
Oh darlin’, what can I do?
boo hoo hoo-hoo, boo hoo-hoo, boo hoo-hoo, boo-hoo
VERSE 2
When folks say “Hello” as I walk to the store,
For some reason, that just makes me wail even more.
When the shopping cart’s trolley wheels go different ways
I choke up and weep more than I’ve wept in days…
And it makes buying groceries so hard.
And the tears never end, my sunglasses go foggy.
When I pay the cashier, all my money’s gone soggy.
And the walk home starts all the tears flowin’ again
Will these tears ever stop? If so, please tell me when.
‘Cause this moaning and whimpering defies common sense.
I’m so tired of my emotional incontinence.
CHORUS 2
‘Cause every time I smile, I cry
I think it’s just my style to cry.
I cry when I’m talking, I cry when I’m walking.
I cry if I laugh, or I sneeze, or I cough –
it seems almost anything can set me off!
‘Cause this cat’s caterwauling, it all really sucks –
It’s taking its toll on my lacrimal ducts.
Ev’rything makes me cry, but then that’s nothing new
Oh darlin’, what can I do?
boo hoo hoo-hoo, boo hoo-hoo, boo hoo-hoo, boo-hoo
VERSE 3
As I’m walking back home after doing my shopping,
all the snivelling and sobbing shows no sign of stopping.
‘Cause at crying, I’m some kind of heavyweight champ
although I’m not a house, I have got Rising Damp…
And I’m feelin’ so very alone.
If the tears end, they’ll just rise again, like a phoenix.
I have just gone through roughly four truckloads of Kleenex.
The way that I constantly weep, howl and blubber,
It has to be said – I’m a real sooky bubba
And these floods, floods of tears have become my hallmark
I just saw my next door neighbour… He’s building an ark.
BRIDGE
When I get home, there’s a letter to me from my lover.
She tells me she’s settin’ me free, and that she’s found another.
So she’s no longer mine, and now she’s all hiiiis!
(PAUSE) Oh well, c’est la vie, it is what it is.
(SPOKEN, NONCHALANT, DISTRACTED) I wonder what I should have for lunch…? Maybe a sandwich.
For a rough idea how this might sound if it was set to music – and sung – in the style of Roy Orbison, please click on the PLAY button below.
(Please note: this audio file has been generated for temporary, illustrative purposes only.)
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STRANGE BEDFELLOWS (in the style of JULIO IGLESIAS & WILLIE NELSON)
VERSE 1
J: When you and I were introduced, I’ll never forget that day.
W: We started to chat, and just like that, we hit it off right away,
J: Since the day I said “Hola”
W: Since the day I said “Hello”,
J & W: We have been unlikely friends.
J & W: We have been strange bedfellows.
CHORUS 1
J & W: We’re Strange Bedfellows.
W: He’s a Spaniard
J: and he’s a Texan.
W: It’s a symbolic bed, though –
J: not the kind that you have sex in.
J & W: We’re Strange Bedfellows, and we’re on a natural high.
J: It’s the first time for Willie…
W: Thought I’d give it a try.
VERSE 2
W: I’ll go wherever he wants to go, whether near or far.
J: He’ll go anywhere I have suggested.
W: But you won’t see me and Julio down by the schoolyard,
J: Because we’d probably get arrested.
CHORUS 2
J & W: We’re strange bedfellows, metaphorically sharing a bunk.
J: Who could have predicted our friendship?
W: Yeah, who woulda thunk?
J & W: We’re strange bedfellows, with a love that’s intense.
J & W: To be clear, we mean that in a platonic sense.
BRIDGE
W: Our bond is truly one of a kind.
J: And through the years, our friendship’s only grown.
W: My Julio’s Always On My Mind…
J: And I’ll never leave my Willie alone.
J: No, I just can’t leave my Willie alone.
W: (SPOKEN) That’s right.
For a rough idea how this might sound if it was set to music – and sung – in the style of Julio & Willie, please click on the PLAY button below (although the voice sounds nothing like either of them)…
(Please note: this audio file has been generated for temporary, illustrative purposes only.)
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Portrait of Love (in the style of ABC)
VERSE 1
The tale of our romance was a tragic affair;
As passionate as anything by Baudelaire.
It was love at first sight, she was a vision in blue
and as I stared, I had romantic feelings out the wazoo.
‘Cause she was finer than a work of art by Leonardo Da Vinci.
For her, I wore my tightest pants; I found them quite pinchy.
I tumbled head over heels and gave her all of my heart.
How could I know our love was doomed from the start?
CHORUS 1
Our romance was a masterpiece, until it became
a cheap portrait of love in a broken frame.
And now the glass has been smashed,
and the canvas she’s slashed,
then she set fire to what was left
and threw it in a bin full of trash!
And then she went ahead and used the bin as a toilet
… all of which has rather spoiled it.
VERSE 2
‘Cause the honeymoon was over before it began
When I caught her in the arms of another man!
And now I’m drowning in despair, since she’s cast me adrift.
Just between you and me, it’s fair to say that I’m miffed.
I’ve been fooled and betrayed, I’ve been duped and deceived –
At the risk of overstating things, I’m slightly peeved.
Because she’s left me abandoned, feeling maddened and saddened.
… Not gonna go on about it, but I’d rather she hadn’t.
CHORUS 2
If our affair was a sculpture, carved from our love and lust,
She attacked it with a jackhammer and turned it to dust!
Then she tried to burn the dust, but the dust wouldn’t burn.
So she swept up all the dust and sealed it up in an urn.
Then she smashed the urn into a million pieces
and she smeared them with twelve different kinds of dog faeces,
and she threw those pieces down the deepest hole she could find.
… which I thought was a bit unkind.
BRIDGE
She made my world fall apart, all I was doing was crying.
She left me feeling like that painting of that guy who was dying.
BACKING VOCALIST: (SPOKEN) What’s it called?
I don’t know the answer to that question!
BACKING VOCALIST: (SPOKEN) Who’s it by?
If I knew, I would tell you. Look, the point is it’s a painting of a guy who is really, really, really sad.
CHORUS 1
Our romance was a masterpiece, until it became
a cheap portrait of love in a broken frame.
And now the glass has been smashed
and the canvas she’s slashed
then she set fire to what was left
and threw it in a bin full of trash!
And then she went ahead and used the bin as a toilet
… all of which has rather spoiled it.
VERSE 3
But now it’s years and years since those sensual frolics
These days, I’m cashing in being moody and melancholic.
Now I’m an ex-loverboy, I’m a retired Romeo
Just singing songs about lost love – Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
And now there’s no doubt, these days I simply prefer
To posture and pout, as a bitter poseur
BACKING VOCALS: He’s a bitter poseur, a bitter poseur!
Because this world-weary shtick has brought me fortune and fame,
and I owe it all to that portrait of love in a broken frame!
For a rough idea how this might sound if it was set to music – and sung – in the style of ABC, please click on the PLAY button below.
(Please note: this audio file has been generated for temporary, illustrative purposes only.)
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IF YOU MET THE MUPPETS (in the style of Bob Dylan)
VERSE 1
When you first saw the Muppets, they made you rejoice
cause each one of them had a hilarious voice.
There was Kermit the frog, and he ran the affair.
There was Miss Piggy and don’t forget Fozzie Bear!
There were Statler & Waldorf – those guys were the meanest.
There was Rowlf, who’s a dog… and he’s also a pianist.
VERSE 2
Each character had their own unique sound
which came from the puppeteers messing around
and tryin’ to find a fun voice that would stick
and they did their job well, ’cause each one’s a classic.
In each Muppet’s voice you can hear comedy shine
much more silly than real voices… kinda like mine!
CHORUS 1
Oh, if you met the Muppets before you met me
there’s no way you could take my voice seriously,
‘Cause a caricature is what it seems to be.
If you met the Muppets before you met me.
<INSERT A BURST OF INCOMPETENT HARMONICA BLOWING HERE>
VERSE 3
But if you’d heard me sing, before they came along,
There’s a chance you’ll accept how I’m singin’ this song.
There’s a chance you’ll excuse the unusual choice
that I’ve made – to make this my preferred singing voice.
I suppose that you could hear me singing like this
without instantly thinking I’m taking the piss
But…
CHORUS 2
If you met the Muppets before you met me
You’d have your suspicions I’m takin’ the pee
When I play the harmonica incompetently.
If you met the Muppets before you met me
<INSERT A BURST OF INCOMPETENT HARMONICA BLOWING HERE>
CHORUS 3
But this is the singin’ voice I always use
when I’m singin’ folk songs or I’m singin’ the blues.
and I’ll use it forever, and hope sincerely…
That you didn’t meet the Muppets before you met me.
That you didn’t meet the Muppets before you met me.
<INSERT A BURST OF INCOMPETENT HARMONICA BLOWING HERE>
For a rough idea how this might sound if it was set to music – and sung – in the style of Bob Dylan, please click on the PLAY button below (although the voice sounds nothing like him)…
(Please note: this audio file has been generated for temporary, illustrative purposes only.)
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DOWN THE PUB (in the style of MADNESS)
VERSE 1
Another weekend down our way:
the usual fights and loud horseplay.
People walloping one another;
Neighbour, cousin, sister, brother.
With this amount of argy-bargy
Plod might have us up on chargies.
All this ruckus can drive you mad
it’s far too much for poor old Dad.
CHORUS
‘Ere’s what he always says when he’s sick of the hubbub;
“If anybody wants me, I’ll be down the pub.”
He figures that he won’t be missed
when he’s down there getting Brahms and Liszt.
Sticking his head in the sand again,
buying another round again –
if anybody wants him, he’ll be down the pub!
VERSE 2
To your right and to your left
There’s lots of harmless petty theft,
diamond geezers, guttersnipes
and other cockney stereotypes.
If you think rhyming slang means “working class”
Then you can stick it up your Khyber Pass!
BRIDGE
With all our whoops and all our cheers
when Dad had had it up to here,
This is what he told us:
“Sod this for a game of soldiers!”
CHORUS
‘Ere’s what Dad always says when he’s sick of the hubbub;
“If anybody wants me, I’ll be down the pub.”
Dad figures that he won’t be missed
when he’s down there getting Brahms and Liszt.
Sticking his head in the sand again,
buying another round again –
if anybody wants him, he’ll be down the pub!
VERSE 3
Seeking a break from his hectic life,
Buggering off from the Trouble & Strife.
When it’s all too much, he gravitates
to his watering hole with his boozy mates.
They all think they’re the dog’s bollocks –
Really they’re just alcoholics.
If anybody wants him, he’ll be down the pub!
AGAIN!
If anybody wants him, he’ll be down the pub!
For a very rough idea how this might sound if it was set to music – and sung – in the style of Madness, please click on the PLAY button below (although the voice sounds nothing like the lead singer)…
(Please note: this audio file has been generated for temporary, illustrative purposes only.)
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GATHER ROUND PEOPLE (in the style of Bob Dylan)
Come gather Round People, and take them away!
It’s only Square People we want here today,
Or folks who are shaped like a big letter “J”,
so gather Round People and take them away.
INCOMPETENT HARMONICA BLAST.
‘Cause circles are shapes that I just do not dig,
ever since back in school when I first studied trig.
But Triangular’s cool and I’m down with Rhomboid
It is only the Round ones I want to avoid.
Why I have this aversion, I just cannot say
but please gather Round People and take them away.
ANOTHER INCOMPETENT HARMONICA BLAST, WHICH UPSETS A DOG, MAKING IT HOWL. FADE OUT.
For a rough idea how this might sound if it was set to music – and sung – in the style of Bob Dylan, please click on the PLAY button below (although the voice sounds nothing like him)…
(Please note: this audio file has been generated for temporary, illustrative purposes only.)
* IMPORTANT DISCLOSURE: Although I wrote every word of the lyrics in these songs, I have used an AI tool to create the illustrative music behind them here. In no way do I view these songs as finished products, and I’ve only used this technology to demonstrate – temporarily – how my lyrics sound when set to music.
I will always value, prioritise and defer to the imagination, creativity, emotion and lived experience of real human composers and musicians.